Is it too much to ask for a good man? On subconscious patterns and healing trauma

Disclaimer: I use the Qur’an as an example because rather than telling Muslims how spirituality can be compatible with Islam, I like to show by using what is inherently embedded in our system of faith due to perceived controversies surrounding spirituality and Islam. These teachings are universal and can be applied to all or no faith systems.

Hi my lovelies!

I’ve had many conversations this Mercury retrograde and a lot of them have revolved around pressure, standards and whether it’s too much to not settle for anything less than what we want/desire/deserve. So many people are going from within and revisiting their standards, but it’s coming at a time of heightened anxiety and inner child triggers.

What I’m seeing from the majority of these conversations is that people are allowing trauma to dictate what is and isn’t possible. In a world of infinite realities, it truly is our subconscious mind that dictates our life. A particular feeling or vibration we may be stuck on actually comes from an unhealed part of our inner child.

This explains why you’re stuck in the same relationship pattern even after you change your circumstances or people in your life. There is unhealed trauma that keeps manifesting in different facets of your being and the only way to stop this to yield different results is to change your habits.

In terms of romantic relationships, one of the ways we look at this is through the ratio of masculine and feminine energy that is playing out within us. This constantly changes but seeing where we are can give us a more defined view of where our traumas lie.

A woman who describes herself as feminine that desires an alpha man may have some deep-seated trust issues from childhood which stops her from trusting and allowing the masculine to show up in his service. She may think that men are useless and not to be trusted, so weak men pop into her reality.

The wounded feminine will attract a wounded masculine, which creates an unequal polarity and dwindled attraction. This explains the “ick”: an incomplete energetic polarity that kills attraction.

Does this mean we manifest or deserve abusers? Absolutely no, but not understanding our karmic footprint and attachment style makes us realise how we may be vulnerable to letting in leeches, vampires and abusers. Understanding red flags in others is one thing, but understanding where we’re vulnerable to overlooking them is another. When we do this work, we create a space for inner child healing, deep spiritual growth and a transformed life.

Sometimes it isn’t about what happened to us to create our attachment style, it’s what happened around us. This is why we tend to replicate patterns of the relationship of our parents and/or closest guardians. We grow up thinking that what is around us is normal. If your dad was controlling, you’d subconsciously manifest controlling men because it’s what is normal to you, even if you consciously dislike controlling men.

The key is to free yourself from the normal that was imposed on you, through the way you were treated and the energy of others that your subconscious mind absorbed as a child. This is why I’m so passionate about reiki, because it can really help to supplement the work you’re doing by moving and releasing trapped energy that create traumatic feedback loops. As the energy moves, the resistance to doing the work weakens.

Read my post: ‘How to let go of attachment patterns and reclaim your life’ to learn more about inner child healing

If we take quantum theory into consideration, possibilities are endless. When we look at qadr/predestination, we see that even that can be changed. In Islam, we are told that qadr can be changed through prayer. “Kun fa yakun”, be and so it is, it says in the Qur’an.

We’re told that prayer is the weapon of the believer, but what does that really mean? When we think of prayer, we think of just connecting to and asking God for help. This is true, but it entails leaving the material world and going from within to the very source of existence to change things. This means we need to foster deep spiritual connection to see a change in our circumstances.

It’s why Allah doesn’t change our condition until we change ourselves (Qur’an). Yes, there is an element of sin and deeds, but another overlooked element is to do with our subconscious mind and how our underlying beliefs shape our reality.

So as we heal and become open to trusting and receiving, our reality changes because we’re opening ourselves up to freedom and happiness. What happens within controls the outside because our subconscious mind always looks for confirmation.

This is why healing can take time and is a lifelong journey. For the first eight years of our lives, we were operating on theta brain waves and some children operate from their theta brain waves up to 13 years old. This means our subconscious is actively absorbing, which is why our patterns tend to replicate the ones we’ve had since childhood until we decide to do deep intentional healing.

This is why without healing, what is healthy is either scary or boring, because it’s not something we’re used to. Our brain seeks to replicate what we know, which is why toxic situations can seem like “home”. To the brain, it’s safer because it’s familiar. As we release what is familiar, we’re able to rise above the toxic patterns that we find ourselves entering over and over again.

When we release our trauma, we become receptive to a dimension we don’t know of and then start to yield different results. We have access to blessings that we kept blocking because of our beliefs, programming, attachment to people, places and things; and refusal to accept better.

When we find peace, foster self love and close our energy field, we begin to say no and do so from a space of pure self love, because once we finally feel that love from within, we’d do anything to protect that peace in our heart space.

We then realise that when we expect men to be providers and protectors, we’re not asking for too much. We’re just entering relationships on autopilot, crossing the boundaries we didn’t even know we have and then asking whoever is in our life to be someone they are not. If we accepted a tie with a toxic person and were attracted to them from an unhealed space, how can we ever expect a healthy outcome?

Say no to toxic patterns, say no to stagnation, say no to unhealthy relationships and say no to having to fix someone to “grind and heal together”. Say yes to boundaries, yes to standards, yes to calling yourself out and yes to healing. Things will naturally fall into place because you’re releasing the conditions that created these unhealthy patterns in the first place.

Be unashamed of your standards and expectations. The only ones who will shame you are the ones who can’t meet you on your pedestal so they try to knock you off yours for a chance. Think of the times you said yes to something you weren’t comfortable doing. You ended up paying a price for it in the long run. So why set yourself up for paying for a price that you could avoid by saying no and staying true to yourself?

Discernment is key to answering this question, which is something we can only grasp when we’re connected, grounded and setting on to our lifelong healing journey.

I love you all.

Instagram: @flowerknafeh
Twitter: @superknafeh
Learn more about my distance reiki healing sessions via Zoom

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