Navigating loss is hard, but here’s how we can make things easier

My recent loss was something I felt deeply. In practical terms, it wasn’t a real loss — it was a change in dynamic. That didn’t make it hurt less though.

I put myself in a situation where I had to be true to myself and ask myself what it was I wanted and if the situation in front of me added up. In many ways yes, but in many ways, no. I had to do the right thing and talk it out. It was a relief, but once it was over, I was overwhelmed with pain even though it wasn’t technically a big deal.

Usually, I do this very unhealthy thing of rationalising my emotions. This time, I honoured my emotions and felt them. These emotions aren’t a part of me, they’re simply visiting me. They need no rationale. They just need to be so I can let them go.

Don’t gaslight yourself

Honour your emotions. When it comes to feelings, rationalising can help, but it can also destroy. Rationalising may help you understand why you feel how you feel, but it can be your inner gaslighting tool.

A rule of thumb is if you’re making yourself feel worse, you’re not doing the rationalising properly. If you’re learning about why you’re feeling how you’re feeling whilst still processing, you’re doing it right.

What is gaslighting though? It’s a manipulative tool that makes you doubt your experience and sanity. You know when someone makes you feel a certain way and you express it to them and they blame you for feeling the way you’re feeling? Or they make you think you’re crazy? We can very well do this to ourselves by denying our right to our emotions.

Examples?

So, imagine you’re friends with someone and they’re moving to another city that’s an hour away. You know deep down you’ll see each other all the time, but you’re still feeling a huge sense of sadness and loss.

Honouring your feelings will sound like this:

“I know it may not make sense, but my heart has chosen to react like this and I’m going to allow it to go through this. If I need to cry, I will. There’s a reason I’m feeling this emotion more intensely than I thought I am but that’s okay.”

Self-gaslighting will sound like this:

“Wallah it’s not that deep. I’m being silly, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. This person is only an hour away and I’m clearly being stupid. I’m just going to take my mind off this whole situation because I can’t be a weak little sh*t and start crying.”

It’s okay to feel how you want to feel and it’s okay to honour your feelings. Sometimes, these feelings come from our subconscious making links to our past that we have forgotten about. Maybe it’s a symptom of borderline personality disorder, a condition which heightens our emotions. There are so many reasons.

Let through and let go

The only real way you can actually let go of your emotions is to let them pass through. It sucks feeling the pain of loss, sadness, uncertainty and a break in what became your new norm, but these feelings must be felt.

If you bottle them up, you will break down. It may feel like your world is crashing down at the time of letting your emotions passing through, especially if you haven’t done any shadow work prior to understand childhood triggers, but that’s a sign to go on a soul-searching mission. Start small by allowing your emotions to pass through. The cloud will pass and you will start to see the light.

Then in baby steps, continue and keep log. Revisit your emotions and understand your triggers. I know loss is a feeling I feel very intensely because as a child, I had a phobia of my parents leaving me at school. That’s the furthest I can consciously remember. Just knowing this has helped me understand myself so much more.

I feel better now. Stay blessed.

God bless xoxoxox

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